Eternal: Knock 'Em Dead

It’s funny how you take the way we talk every day for granted.  Certain ways of saying things, adages, similes, all that crap, most of the reasons we say them are lost to time.  We just keep saying them because it’s the thing to do.  Thing is, some things still have meaning, even though we don’t realize how literal they can be.  There’s an old adage in theatre that sticks in my head…

***

The ropes chafed.  Jingo shifted a little, trying to free his burning wrists from the ratty hemp that bound them behind his back, doing little more than annoying his captors further.  He quickly went back to being still and quiet, watching the circle of orcs as they resumed their revelry, drinking and telling stories, seated around the roaring campfire.

There are just some things you don’t let yourself get caught doing.  Apparently one of them is get drunk and hit on the daughter of the chief of the orc raiding party that lives just outside of town.  Good thing to know, that.  Unfortunately, Jingo had, and so here he sat, more than a little nervous for his own safety, bound, tied to a post, and surrounded by big angry orcs.

The stories and jokes flew fast and loud, insults and barbs being flung around the circle to a chorus of full-mouthed laughter.  Jingo couldn’t help but smirk at a few of the shots.  These guys were funny.  It had been almost an hour, when, finally, the chieftain looked across the fire to their captive halfling and smirked.

“My daughter tells me you disrespected her.  She told me what you said.”  He leaned forward.  “It sounds to me more like you just don’t know how to pick up women.”  A round of laughs bubbled up around the circle.  “Not so good with your words.  But, I’m in a good mood.  We had a good hunt today, and my belly is full of meat and beer, so I’ll give you a shot.  You give us your best joke, and if we laugh, we’ll let you go with maybe a slug in the mouth instead of an axe to the face.  Sound good, little man?”

Jingo gaped for a moment, taken aback by the offer.  This orc had one hell of a sense of humour.  “Um, really?  S-sure, I guess.”

The chieftain leaned back against a large rock, leather mug in hand, smirking.  “Then get started.”

Jingo thought a moment, trying to connect some coherent thoughts in his head.  He couldn’t remember any jokes!  This was way too much pressure.  Finally, without even realizing he’d started, he began to rattle off the only joke that he could remember, the first one to jump to mind.

“Okay, so this man and his wife have a beautiful baby son.  Perfect little boy.  Ten fingers, ten toes, the whole shebang.  And his father is so proud, his little boy is the apple of his eye.

The kid grows up the model child.  Smart, athletic, handsome, he’s everything a parent wants for their kid.  So to give his son every advantage, the father enrolls him into a school.  The kid goes through his schooling with the best tutors money could buy, and aces it all.  He’s a real whiz, and graduates from his tutelage with perfect marks, now grown into a young man.

So the father, he’s so proud of his son, he comes up to him on his graduation day and says, ‘Son, I’m so proud of you!  You’ve completed your schooling so amazingly, I want to reward you, get you a gift.  Anything you want, my boy, anything.  You name it!’

So the son just smiles to his old man and shakes his head.  ‘Dad, don’t worry about it.  All I want for my gift is a green wooden ball.  That’s all.’

The father’s obviously a little confused and dismayed.  ‘You sure, son?  A green wooden ball?  That’s all?’

The kid shakes his head again, ‘Don’t worry about it.  Just a green wooden ball and I’ll be happy.’

So the father goes to the shop, buys his son a green wooden ball and gives it to him, and his son is happy, and that was that.  So soon after, his son decides to attend a highly prestigious magic college, a place of great higher learning.  It’s tough work, but he does great, and graduates with full honors, the head of his class, a highly proficient mage.  

On the day of his graduation, his father comes to him and says, ‘Son, I’m so proud of you!  Graduating from the mage’s college, you’re one hell of a kid!  I want to reward you with a gift of some sort.  I’ll get you anything you want son, you name it.  A nice fast horse, perhaps?  Or a coach and driver?’

The son just smiles to his old man and shakes his head.  ‘Dad, don’t worry about it.  All I want for my gift is ten green wooden balls.  That’s all.’

The father is even more confused.  ‘Really, you sure?  Ten green wooden balls?  That’s all?’

The kid shakes his head again, ‘Don’t worry about it.  Just ten green wooden balls, and I’ll be happy.’

So the father goes to the shop, buys his son ten green wooden balls and gives them to him, and his son is happy, and that was that.  Soon after, his boy meets the girl of his dreams.  Tits you could get lost between and legs that went on for days, this girl.  A real hottie.  The two fall madly in love and get hitched in a beautiful ceremony.

So the father, so happy for his son, comes up to him on his wedding day and says, ‘Son, I’m so proud of you!  You’ve got yourself a good woman there, and I know you two are gonna be great together.  I wanna get you a wedding gift, so you two can start your life together with every advantage.  How does a house sound?  Anything you want, son.’

So the son just smiles to his old man and shakes his head.  ‘Dad, don’t worry about it.  All I want for my gift is one hundred green wooden balls.’

The father is, of course, confused.  ‘Seriously?  That’s what you want?  One hundred green wooden balls?  Really?’

The kid shakes his head again, ‘Don’t worry about it.  Just one hundred green wooden balls, and I’ll be happy.’

So the father goes to the shop, buys his son one hundred green wooden balls and gives them to him, and his son is happy, and that was that.  So some time later, his boy opens up his own magic shop in the city, and caters to the magic needs of the rich and famous.  Nobles come to his shop to request his services!  The guy’s raking in gold hand over fist in just the first week!

So his father comes to visit him in the city and sees his son during his grand opening and he’s so proud he could burst.  He says to his boy, ‘Son, I’m so proud of you!  Your new business is huge in its first few days!  You’re living the dream, and you’re doing it all on your own!  You’re amazing, son.  I want to get you a gift to commemorate this occasion, this great new step in your life.  So anything you want, my boy, it’s yours.  Anything, you name it!’

The son just smiles to his old man and shakes his head.  ‘Dad, don’t worry about it.  All I want for my gift is one thousand green wooden balls.  That’s all.’

The father is seriously confused.  ‘Really.  One thousand green wooden balls?  Why on earth do you want one thousand green wooden balls?’

The kid shakes his head again, ‘Don’t worry about it, dad.  Just one thousand green wooden balls, and I’ll be happy.’

So the father goes to the shop, buys his son one thousand green wooden balls and gives them to him, and his son is happy, and that was that.  Unfortunately, soon, tragedy struck.

On the way home from a private call at a noble’s house, the horses on the son’s carriage spook for some reason and go crazy, and run him off the road and turn the cart over into a huge ditch.  The son is trapped beneath the cart for hours, and without any healing magic, he’ll die.  But there are no churches that can spare the healing in the city, so the son lay on his deathbed, so young, when his father rushed to his side, tears in his eyes.

‘Son, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to do.  I can’t believe my boy is dying!  I want to make your last few days as comfortable as possible, son.  Is there anything I can get you, anything at all?’

The son just smiles to his old man and shakes his head.  ‘Dad, don’t worry about it.  All I want is ten thousand green wooden balls.  That’s all.’

The father is finally fed up.  ‘Ten thousand green wooden balls!  Son, you gotta tell me!  What have you been doing with all of these green wooden balls your whole life?  Why do you want them?’

The kid shakes his head again, ‘Don’t worry about it.  If you get me these ten thousand green wooden balls, I’ll tell you why I’ve wanted them.’

So the father goes, pulls a whole bunch of strings and favors, orders from a few shops, and spends quite the pretty penny, but he finally gets together ten thousand green wooden balls for his son.  He fills his boy’s room with them, and standing there in the sea of green wooden balls, by his son’s deathbed, he says, ‘Son, I’ve done what you asked.  I got you ten thousand green wooden balls.  It wasn’t easy, but I did it.  So please, please tell me, what have you been doing all these years with these green wooden balls?’

The son just smiles to his old man and says, weakly, ‘Dad… the reason I’ve been asking you for all these green wooden balls is…’

And then he dies.”

Silence filled the air, save for the quiet crackling of the fire.  All eyes sat on Jingo, expectance turning slowly to something else.

***

Dying is easy.

***

They all stood and drew their weapons.

***

Comedy is hard.